Nine

Spoiler Alert: There will be spoilers.








It's Xmas day! Or Christmas day when all the greatest movies of the season/year are supposed to come out. Well, my cousin and I headed out to see Sherlock Holmes to round out my review of the trailer, but it was all sold out! Yep, soo effing sad. Instead, we settled on Nine, another holiday flick about Guido Contini, a famous director circa 1960 who is going through his past and present relationships with women to figure out what his next movie, which is slated to shoot on 10days, is going to be about. Yep he has no script yet. Oh Italian Daniel Day Lewis, when will yee ever learn?

Now, I'm supposed to love this movie, I love musicals, but I guess I'm also supposed to love Glee but I haven't watched a single episode, what's my effing problem? Anyway, Nine was, uh, okay, It was decently acted, I guess, and the sets and costumes were fun but I did feel pretty bored most of the time. Oh, and if you thought the singing in Chicago was only okay, well, then you will not like Nine.

Daniel Day Lewis:
Amazing actor, great speaking voice, pretty good at accents. His Guido Contini accent wasn't that great and the singing, ugh, the singing. Let's just say it was more like Gerard Butler than Josh Groban, cool?

Penelope Cruz:
What a hottie, right? Not in this movie. Her bod is rockin' but her face looks like they covered her in dirt and then put make-up on top. Cruz's singing voice? Well, let's just say Axie and I spent more time thinking about how Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz both were with Tom Cruise than we were thinking about her singing chops.

Marion Cotillard:
Adorable. She's so beautiful, is an incredible actress, has a smokin' bod. Her voice is okay, just like everyone else's.

Nicole Kidman:
I liked her better in Moulin Rouge.

Dame Judy Dench:
I like her.

Kate Hudson:
She's super cute and well-cast as the mod sixties siren, but her character is such a throw-a-way unnecessary role.

Sophia Loren:
Still looks good. Not a singer.

Fergi:
It's really sad when Fergi is the strongest singer in your MUSICAL but it's true. The reason why Fergi's song is the only one in the preview is because her's is pretty much the only song worth listening to. Sorry, Nine, it's true. Also, she did a pretty good job overall.

In conclusion, I think a lot of the reason I didn't like Nine was because the singing was sub-par. The story was a little slow too and for a film that is full of strong female actors it's very male heavy, which is unfortunate.

Also, dear Rob Marshall, don't direct musicals anymore unless you figure out how to branch out a little. I get that you're trying to make a musical movie "believable" by making the songs all in the main character's head, but it doesn't really make sense for Maestro Contini. He's not a director of musicals or even musical movies. Also, he's not crazy and is not a club singer named Roxie. So if you're gonna do another movie musical Mr. Marshall, go ahead and respect the genre enough to take it a little more seriously. Instead of relying on big-name stars, get some decent actors WHO CAN SING, PLEASE. And maybe just make the movie a musical and understand that we're seeing the movie because it's a musical, it's not really a surprise.

In conclusion, Nine was the greatest movie of all time. If you were to ask me if you should see it, I would say, as the Germans would, nine. Do yourself a favor, just rent Victor/Victoria instead.

Sorry this was mostly serious. I really like musicals.

Hot Rod with Commentary I

Now, I know I'm no commentary genius or anything, but I have watched a couple of commentaries. I remember my first, the commentary for The Matrix. It was pretty boring. After that I was all, who wants commentary? What's the point of DVDs anyway? Special features? Commentary is for nerds. And lo and behold, I was right. Commentary is so for nerds. Well, a nerd I be.
What's so great about commentaries? I'm not sure, really. I guess if you're into "filmmaking" which I'm really not, aside for my pipe dreams of owning a professional camera and dolly and driving it through my tiny apartment hallway for extreme close-ups on Leonardo DiCaprio and Jake Gyllenhaal, I don't know much about film. Grips, they hold those floating microphones right? Nailed it. Anyway, I guess people who are into becoming directors and such would, you know, watch the commentaries to understand more about the process of film and all that, uh, stuff. I, on the other hand, care mostly about entertainment and good old-fashioned belly-laughing. So, as a result, commentaries should strictly be used for more jokes, if they were are specifically tailored to me, which they are. (JK) SOOOOO, I only watch commentaries for comedies and in specific, comedies where the actors are also the writers or directors, or in comedies where I want to be the actor's friend. This has never been more true than it is for my one true soulmates: Jorma Taccone, Akiva Schaffer, and Andy Samberg.
As a result, I have watched, and will continue to watch, the BluRay disc of Hot Rod with commentary about once a week every week. Why!? It's delightful. Part of the fun is that no one watches the movie without commentary let alone with, it's like I'm a comedic genius with all the jokes no one has ever heard because I stole them from the commentary. The best part about the commentary is that you really get to feel like a true stalker in the laziest sense of the word. By this, I mean that I get to feel like The Lonely Island crew are my buds, but I just sit there and listen to all their jokes, and I feel like they really like me and all I have to do is something really crazy like blow-up a building so that they'll truly love me. That's how logic works, right? Anyway, my suggestion after all of this is, don't watch Hot Rod with commentary. It'll never live up to your expectations because of how great I make it sound, A. And B, if you get addicted to it too, then I will never hold the world record for number of times watching Hot Rod with commentary. Honestly, if I were to ballpark it, I would say I've seen it with commentary aroud 30 times, wow.
In conclusion, who wants to be my friend now?
These Guys:

Alice

So, I watched this mini series on SyFy called, Alice. Also, remember when SciFi changed its name to SyFy, weird. It wasn't bad or anything, I liked it, they used like 75% of the Matrix sountrack though which was really noticeable.

So remember that other SyFy mini series called Tin Man? You know the one with Zoe Deschanel and Alan Cumming? You know, the one that's like a Cah-razzy take on the Wizard of Oz? Basically, this one was like that one except for the fact that Tin Man should have been super awesome and was like the worst. Ugh, why I love mini series I'll never know.

Well, anyway, this Alice is a cah-razzy take on, you guessed it, Ghostbuster II, gotcha, it's actually Alice in Wonderland, Idiots. (At least I respect you though, I capitalized "Idiots" which you are, idiots.) The best way to describe my reaction to this small-screened masterpiece is to list my series of "favorites".

favorites:

My favorite part is where Alice is an adult and is a black belt in karate for some reason. Also, my favorite part about this is that the actress and the fight choreography is not at all believable, believe me, I know, I just watched the bio about Michelle Yeoh. Fun fact about Michell Yeoh, she was the first female actress Jackie Chan allowed to do kicks in his movies. Jackie wouldn't even let Lucy Lui do a kick in Shanghai Knights because it was not believable. So, there you have it, Jackie Chan is pretty sexist.

My favorite part is where the white rabbit, spoiler alert, somehow loses his head (because he's actually just a dude in a business suit) and gets a robot rabbit head instead. Also, he's a hitman so he totally stole my schtick for when I go to the bars.

My favorite part is how much the promos and commercials said stuff like "starring Tim Curry, Academy Award-winning actress Kathy Bates and introducing Catarina Scorsone." First of all, Tim Curry is literally, literally in about 5, maybe 6 minutes of the 4 hour mini series. Second, why do they keep saying "introducing Catarine Scorsone"? Is this her first profesh acting job ever? Is she actually a martial arts genius and this is her breaking into film? Is she some sort of model or professional athlete that got this role because she's pretty? Nope none of the above. I checked out her IMDB, she's been acting professionally since she was 8. So, I guess we're being introduced to her because no one knows who she is because she has yet to become famous (and never will). That's mean.

My favorite part was also all the special effects, like flamingo motorcycle flying things that were like those glider things in Star Wars. That's really the best part of mini series in general, the lack of budget for special effects.

Anyway, this film didn't make a whole lot of sense, but stuff was always happening and the Mad Hatter was adorable in the A-DO-able way. Get it?

So really, I have opinions, you are jerks!

Sincerely,
Me

Sherlock Holmes

No, I did nto get an advanced screening of the film Sherlock Holmes, but I have watched the preview a bunch of times so it's like I've seen the movie already, but in the good way. Clearly Sherlock Holmes is a great flick CLEARLY.

Evidence:

It comes out on Christmas Day. The people who make movies know they gots a lot to compete with on such a high-octane movie day. Theresuchforth, they can only release good movies on Xmas, DUH. Sometimes you two people really need to use your brains.

Reasons why this movie rules:

Robery Downey Junior.

Reasons why the trailer rules:

RDJ*, but seriously kids, because reviewing trailers is really serious business, this trailer is good for many reasons. First and foremost, British people. We all know British films are filled with dry wit and smart things us Mericans don't understands; HOWEVER there is a phenomenon called "something something something" where you take all the good things about the UK (accents) put them in a state's movie, and already the film is both super classy, and can hold the attention of dummies. Yeah, I'm talking to you, dummy. What's even better than this mish mash mix 'em up is the use of United Statesian actors with fake British accents, RDJ. This shows the world that USians are better than everyone in every way. Yep, that's what whatever I was talking about proves.
BUT FOR REAL the real reason this trailer rules: RDJ of course. This time, I'm not kidding. Not only is he super hot and great at the acting thing, but he's also super duper hot. I'm not kidding, so hot. Anyway, RDJ is so great because he makes disgusting look super sexy. (Although, I must admit, he does have to bow down to the great Johnny Depp in Pirates of the C, and not because I particularly love J.Depp or anything, but you just have to admit that there are so many womens and mens who think he's, to borrow a phrase from Jorma, Akiva and mostly Andy, "superbendoverable" even though he is made out of grime and poo smells. Fo' realz) And by RDJ disgusting I mean the sheer lack of hygene present during the 1800s in Europe. That's all.

Favorite Scene:

Slow Mo' RDJ with his toungue all weird and his face looking hilare. Yikes. So RDJ-full.

In conclusion, I don't care how bad this movie actually is, or even how good it is, it has jokes, there are laughs, there could even maybe be plot, they don't really reveal that in the trailer (which also makes it a good trailer), I don't care about any of the film aspects of this movie at all. This movie could crumble to pieces, there could be 10 minutes shooting piles of poop, there could be a time-travelling donkey, yes, even Crash could be featured in this film as a really relevant look at racial issues and I would still enjoy myself. Why? Why? RDJ? Idiot that's the easy answer. The real reason:

Trailer spoiler alert!:

RDJ with his shirt off.

* Robert Downey Jr.

Community!!!

I had a whole thing written about community with hilarious jokes but then I accidentally deleted it. So here's a truncated version.

If you like jokes and things that are funny, watch Community.

NCIS: or reasons why I may actually be forty

NCIS or the Naval Criminal Investigative Service is something I, for some reason resisted until I went from 25 to mid to late forties. But listen kids, as I can tell you, due to my amassed years of experience, this show is excellent and very full of teaching you things... about the Navy? Don't jump straight into judging me, or whatever, I still watch waaaaaaay too much Law & Order SVU and CI, I'm just much better at being open-minded than everyone else I've ever met, or anyone in the world ever, which is why it makes sense that I don't like Crash, what?

NCIS is great because, unlike L&O, which is full of one bajillion twists and turn where Hillary Duff turns out to have not acci-killed her baby and her mom's p-tail is pulling out her sanity, and that ME makes a real innapprope joke, and then Munch or Finn says something hilare/offensy, and then something about immunizations and, who what now? NCIS is like, oh they focused on this seemingly innocuous person, KILLAH! Purrrfect. Plus, they kill of characters like no-ones biz.

NCIS is a lot like our dear friend "Weirdsy Magilicuddy": Jokes, jokes, laugh, laugh funny stuff light-hearted fare, jokes jokes, farts no boobs, jokes jokes, blood, MURDER.

If you like playing Bathroom Sodoku, getting your nails done, having adult children, and permanents, then you'll looove NCIS. NCIS LA, however, caaaaaan suck it. LL Cool J still seems pretty nice though. I liked it better when he was a chef on a boat and had a delightful parrot friend.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Everyone has already discovered this television series.



Why I love It's Always Sunny:



(1) It makes me feel like a better person.



That's it dudes, watch this show for this sole purpose. Not only is every episode filled with more belly-laughs per capita than any other show I've seen, it's also filled with some of the most horrible people anyone has ever seen.

"Worse than the writers of Crash?"

Yes, worse than those jerks.

What's more impressive is that the show isn't like a car wreck, or crash, that must be seen out of sheer sadistic pleasure, it's super enjoyable. Watching horrible people have awful things done to them has never been more fun! It's not even schaudenfreude, or whatever, I think for that to work you have to assume that those people are just like you.

And these jerks are certainly not like you, and if they are, I never ever ever want to meet you.

If you like laughing, weird humans, impossible chains of events, musicals, strong female characters, improv or sketch comedy, short people, skinny jeans, warm milk, drugs, assorted meats, cats, explosions, kittens, T-shirts, pooping, the physical act of laughing, the emotional act of laughing, guessing the titles of things, sets, props, or jokes than this show is for you. If you only like Mad Men, this show might be the exact opposite. No one smokes.

while these people are just "the worst" for some reason, I just want to own a bar somewhere in LA that I can make look like PA...

Jennifer's Body

Certainly since Diablo Cody has an oscar for her apparently cute and adorable film Juno she must have some writing chops. I was wrong, so, so, so, very, sadly, dissappointingly, stupidly, wrong. And now I can only think about pork chops, how delicious...

Here was my rookie mistake. I believed the hype that J's B touted in their own promos. I feel sheepish to admit, but when reputable sources are used in commercials for movies I think, maybe it's going to be great! I still don't get that that's an advertising trick. As pirates would say: what a fool I be.

I don't really know what revelation to say about J's B because if you've seen the preview, you've seen the movie, absolutely no Megan Fox boobie action. And also, dear commercials/trailer she never says "Do you like my body" in the movie. Work on that.

Sadly, the acting was not the part that ruined the movie, it was the academy award-winning writing. I get that it's both fun and hilarious to use abbreviations of words to make the convo hilare, but calm it down Diabz. Instead of saying "shutties" shut-up will do. Instead of calling someone "Jell-o" or "Lime green jell-o" just say jealous.

The plot of the movie is also not good, I won't ruin it for you in case you want to poison your eyeballs and skull juice, but it's riddled with holes and not in the good mystical "just believe" way, but in the bad "this is all just too convenient" way.

Reccommendation: Don't see Diablo's Cody

But, do see Jorma, Andy, and Akiva!

Hot Rod vol. I

FYI friends, I'm probably going to review Hot Rod about once a month because I just love it that much.



Hot Rod is my favorite movie ever, I don't care who knows it, particularly not Jorma, Akiva, or Andy, the geniuses behind this cinematic gem. If you don't know who they are I'll repeat their names, even though this is a typed forum, they're that important:

Jorma Taccone

Akiva Schaffer

Andy Samberg

They're currently my three best friends. If I knew how to stalk things, like in the wild, I would stalk them as a lion stalks a gazelle. (Notice how I used both a simile and a metaphor in that sentence? I'm a GENIUS.) I will eat their brains for their knowledge and power as a zombie or some character from a T.V. show who totally stole my bit does. It will be glorious.



But instead of actually reviewing this film right now, I will leave you with a story of my COSMIC connection with Hot Rod, which is my favorite movie, did I mention that?



The other day, me and some honchos*, were sitting around a T.V. suggesting movies we should watch. I, of course, recommended Hot Rod with commentary to no avail. Then it was decided that one of us should choose two numbers. I chose 3 and 5. Third row down... fifth DVD in... you guessed it: Hot Rod.

Cosmic Connection Connected.

We didn't watch it. Jerks.

*watch Hot Rod with commentary.

Why watch movies?

All right, before I jump right in to reviewing sweet kick-ass and totally totally lame movies, let's have an honest and open discussion about why it is that I watch movies, so here goes...

I recently moved to LA, you know, the Hollywood area, where dreams are made and lives are shattered. It's very sad and, like, you know, soul-crushing, but listen, I'm not here to be an actor, party a bunch, or make it big in the biz. I go to school because my parents still let me and I thought it would be a good idea to try something new. For all of your sakes, just imagine I'm a 12-year-old college graduate. But imagine a world where you are the kind of person who doesn't like to leave your house or do stuff, so you hole up in your apartment that you share with a friend who works in Orange County, so they're never there, which is cool because they can't see all of your weird disgusting habits, but also not cool because now you actually have no reason to leave your home of miserly weirdness. Then imagine that you don't own a couch, but you do have HD cable and spend a lot of time laughing too loudly at the TV with no one in particular to things that are not that funny. And then one day you go to a thing called a movie theater in like a mall or some king of mall-type area, and it is glorious.

"So, weird girl who is covered in crusty subway wrappers and cheese, what kind of movie do you want to see?"

"Umm, I want to see a movie that doesn't reflect my real, boring, quiet life, and one that takes me to a world where only impossible things happen in a totally unbelievable way, such that I believe that they could happen to me. And, uh, I'm not that into mysteries."

There you have it. I'm a firm believer in the movie industry that flourished during the Depression Era. It's all about escapism, boo. I'm a 100-year-old 12-year-old college graduate. Also, I don't have a job. Oh, and I'm a lady. So, I got that going for me... sort of...

Okay, so, as they say, let's get this show on the road!