Nine

Spoiler Alert: There will be spoilers.








It's Xmas day! Or Christmas day when all the greatest movies of the season/year are supposed to come out. Well, my cousin and I headed out to see Sherlock Holmes to round out my review of the trailer, but it was all sold out! Yep, soo effing sad. Instead, we settled on Nine, another holiday flick about Guido Contini, a famous director circa 1960 who is going through his past and present relationships with women to figure out what his next movie, which is slated to shoot on 10days, is going to be about. Yep he has no script yet. Oh Italian Daniel Day Lewis, when will yee ever learn?

Now, I'm supposed to love this movie, I love musicals, but I guess I'm also supposed to love Glee but I haven't watched a single episode, what's my effing problem? Anyway, Nine was, uh, okay, It was decently acted, I guess, and the sets and costumes were fun but I did feel pretty bored most of the time. Oh, and if you thought the singing in Chicago was only okay, well, then you will not like Nine.

Daniel Day Lewis:
Amazing actor, great speaking voice, pretty good at accents. His Guido Contini accent wasn't that great and the singing, ugh, the singing. Let's just say it was more like Gerard Butler than Josh Groban, cool?

Penelope Cruz:
What a hottie, right? Not in this movie. Her bod is rockin' but her face looks like they covered her in dirt and then put make-up on top. Cruz's singing voice? Well, let's just say Axie and I spent more time thinking about how Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz both were with Tom Cruise than we were thinking about her singing chops.

Marion Cotillard:
Adorable. She's so beautiful, is an incredible actress, has a smokin' bod. Her voice is okay, just like everyone else's.

Nicole Kidman:
I liked her better in Moulin Rouge.

Dame Judy Dench:
I like her.

Kate Hudson:
She's super cute and well-cast as the mod sixties siren, but her character is such a throw-a-way unnecessary role.

Sophia Loren:
Still looks good. Not a singer.

Fergi:
It's really sad when Fergi is the strongest singer in your MUSICAL but it's true. The reason why Fergi's song is the only one in the preview is because her's is pretty much the only song worth listening to. Sorry, Nine, it's true. Also, she did a pretty good job overall.

In conclusion, I think a lot of the reason I didn't like Nine was because the singing was sub-par. The story was a little slow too and for a film that is full of strong female actors it's very male heavy, which is unfortunate.

Also, dear Rob Marshall, don't direct musicals anymore unless you figure out how to branch out a little. I get that you're trying to make a musical movie "believable" by making the songs all in the main character's head, but it doesn't really make sense for Maestro Contini. He's not a director of musicals or even musical movies. Also, he's not crazy and is not a club singer named Roxie. So if you're gonna do another movie musical Mr. Marshall, go ahead and respect the genre enough to take it a little more seriously. Instead of relying on big-name stars, get some decent actors WHO CAN SING, PLEASE. And maybe just make the movie a musical and understand that we're seeing the movie because it's a musical, it's not really a surprise.

In conclusion, Nine was the greatest movie of all time. If you were to ask me if you should see it, I would say, as the Germans would, nine. Do yourself a favor, just rent Victor/Victoria instead.

Sorry this was mostly serious. I really like musicals.