Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy

I watched it. I recorded it with my fancy DVR and watched it. I really wanted to see it, I guess. It wasn't even in high definition.

I guess I planned on writing a review of the Amanda Knox story, but I never finished it.  Here's what I remember:

When I watched this movie, I felt really bad for enjoying Amanda's pain.  Then I thought about how weird it must be to play someone who is still currently on trial.  Also, she might be guilty, so there's that news.

Anyway, Amanda Knox is free and married, I think, so, great job everyone.

The movie was bad.

Chernobyl Diaries

First of all, let me just say that it took me a million years to log back into my Blogger account.  Why you ask, I knew you would, because I haven't logged in in a million years and I, for some reason, use a hotmail account instead of a gmail account with this google run blog-engine.  Also, an e-mail told me that if I didn't log into my account by May 30th I would no longer be able to edit in it or whatever.  Guess who decided the day to edit their blog, finally, would be May 31st, NO NOT YOU, IDIOT, it was/is me IDIOT.  You're such an idiot.

Anyway, back to the review...

So Chernobyl Diaries... First of all, great choice me, I mean, clearly this movie was going to be amazing.  I mean, with such star power as Jesse McCartney, he really was gettin' his "shine-on".  He really doesn't want another pretty face, he doesn't want just anyone to hold, he doesn't want his love to go to waste, he just wants you and your beautiful SOOOOOUUUULLLL.

SPOILERS -

That guy who looks babyfaced and really familiar is Jesse McCartney.  Spoiled the biggest surprise in the film.  FILM.  That's what it is.

This FILM opens on, something, a montage of collegey kids enjoying their time abroad in Chernobyl land...Russia, faking boning each other, saying the eff word a million billion times, and NO BOOBS.  Then, in the midst of laughter, BOOM Cherobyl Diaries flashes upon the screen.  Great job.

Why is this movie rated R?  Don't get me wrong, I'm super glad it's not all torture porn and junk, but there was like only half a bucket of blood and NO BOOBS.  The arr is for pirate, because they say the eff word like a gazillion times and pirates have dirty mouths, 'cus they're pirates.  Good joke me.

The acting was GREAT.  They DEFINITELY deserve oscars.  Did I mention, no boobs?

Also, listen, the camera is all shakey, like it's a POV style of film making, which I assumed was gonna be the video diary that gets discovered when they're all long and dead and then some kid is going to try and discover the mystery of the Chernobyl deaths, all Jumanji style.  NOPE.  The shakey camera was just to give you a headache and make my tummy want to vomit.  Thanks Chernobyl Liaries.  See what I did there.  I wish there was a diary.  I wish, in the midst of running away from all the unkown scary stuff, a character would stop every 5 minutes, pull out a diary with a Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat unicorn on it, and scream, "GUYS WAIT!  I GOTTA WRITE THIS ALL DOWN!"  It would have been real poignant, you know.  Like, a statement on the current state of affairs where the art of the hand-scrawled terror language being chased by "patients" which are never fully explained, is dead.  You know.  Deep, right.  That's a great idea.  DON'T STEAL MY IDEA.  Also, these patients are all bald dudes and one kid with weird curly blonde hair, which you see in the trailer. That's how much of the kid you see.  The trailer amount.

So, I guess this movie could have been scary, if it was scary and not dumb, and maybe if it had an actual diary in it.  There's a lot of scenes where one person is all "I can't go on, my friend is dead!"  and the other person is like "you have to!" and then the first person is all "okay!  I can do this!"  and then the second person is all "now, I can't go on, my brother, did I mention he's my brother?  Yeah, the other American dude, that's my brother, is dead" and the first person is all "you have to go on, we can't save ourselves if we're dead!" and the second person is all "okay!  I'll do it, even though my brother, you know I was with my brother, right, is dead!"  and them the first person is all "I can't do this anymore!"  and so on and so forth.  Good stuff.  Real poignant.  Although, it is a horror movie, so stop complaining you jerk.  Cabin in the Woods is real great though.

This movie could have easily just been called Vacation Kids: Bears, Wild Dogs, and Radiation Plus Patients, I guess it wouldn't be that easy, because then it would seem like a comedy and that's a lot of words to put on a poster, all-around, good point, me.  I feel like the Chernobyl part was unnecessary because there's no lore.  It's just a really really devastating incident in the history of Russia, the after-effects of which are just heart-wrenching (I care about people, obviously).  I get how it COULD be scary, but this whole "patient" thing, which I assume has to do with some sort of experimentation dealing with the effects of radiation on dudes and one kid, this coming from a view of a room with gurneys and some Russian dude saying patients, is just pretty insensitive.  You really nailed it Jesse McCartney, how dare you.  I own your CD.


So, if you loved the American version of Pulse, you probably won't LOVE this movie, because there is no voice over.  Also, everyone dies.  SPOILED IT!

Pirahna 3-D: The ALL SPOILER Edition

A couple of weeks ago I saw the majestic and beautiful film Piranha 3-D. This film reminded me of Archie comics, not because of the 50s under/overtones, the checker print orange hair, sharing malts at Pop's Chocklit Shoppe, felt crown hats, dating two girls at once, not ever having sex, or people named Jughead. No. It was like Archie comics because it taught me the correct spelling of piranha. (Archie comics taught me how to spell mishap, zeal, chauvinist, amongst many others.) Well, I just lied, I had to use spell check eighty times for piranha pirahna pooroonoo.

So anyway, Piranha 3-D was alllllllll right. There were a bunch -o- actors in it that I have not seen for a while so it was nice to see them again, like a creepy stalkerish reunion where I think I am friends with them because I see them in the pictures every once in a while. Elizabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Jerry O'Connell, I haven't seen that cat since Stand By Me. Of course that's a joke... a terrible one... ZING!

The movie opens with an old man and his chubby old man fingers and the sounds of a lot of mouth-breathing. (This is how I imagine the script is written.) The old man fingers fumble in the water, oh yeah, he's on a boat, in Arizona. He uses the lake water, because he's in a lake, as a cooler, with the beers tied to the boat with a rope, like you do, well, like he does, the old man, with the fumblely fingers. Some more mouth breathing as the old man is super excited to drink some brewskies. Pan up to the old man's face, you guessed it: Frank Stallone, no wait, that was a joke reference to when Norm MacDonald was on Weekend Update, RICHARD DREYFUSS. Get it!? Because he was in Jaws!? AMAZZ-ZING! Then he'll get eated by some piranhas which will turn out to the be baby piranhas which you'll discover in the last last minute of the film! I ruined it for you! WEEEEEEE!

More importantly than Richard Dreyfuss is Paul Scheer. Who is Paul Scheer you ask? An amazing comedian. He has a bi-monthly show at the UCB in Los Angeles called Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer Present Crash Test, and he plays Donnie the head Page on 30 Rock, and most recently played Rob Corddry's broham on Children's Hospital. GENIUS. So he's coke-addict Jerry O'Connell's character's (I don't claim to anything about J.O'C's drug habits/non-habits) right-hand man. Jerry dies by, you guessed it piranha but Paul Scheer just stops existing in the film. WTF P.S. was 59% of the reason why I wanted to see the movie. I can only assume that his death scene was oscar worthy, and the producers didn't want to taint the movie by making it something more magestical than they had intended because it would drive away they're porn-loving, beer-guzzling crowd. Oh, and me, a nerd-face with 2 friends. HAM SKUNK!

Anyway, Piranha was pretty good, the 3-D is not worth it, they didn't use it hilariously and you see a piranha vomit a wiener, good times. However, the piranhas never eat anything to bare bones, which is disappointing. Also, the cgi is disappointing which makes it amazing, btw, btw, btw. BTUs.

So go see it, if you want, also, it may not be in theaters anymore. So...

Hot Rod, the proof

Maybe this doesn't count as a new blog, but bask in the proof of greatness. As we all know, opinion = proof.

It's funny pretty much all the way through, even in the final showdown between Rod and his stepdad. I have seen countless movie fights that stagger the imagination, but this one goes over the top and comes down on the other side.

Full Review | 4 Comments

08/03/07

Roger Ebert

Chicago Sun-Times

Top Critic

Mother

Just kidding, I didn't see that Korean thriller Mother directed by that dude who directed The Host (I did see The Host though, it's a pretty awesome monster flick). I did however go home for a week and some change and did have a hilarious conversation with my mother.

Some background...

My mom blacked out after one sip of wine once. Great news!

This occurred when we were watching the news and some guy high on meth drove into some bikers and killed them. Awful, terrible, so sad, but don't let this really depressing news take away from this following conversation.

Mom: Have you ever done meth?

Me: (Laughing) What? No, of course not.

Mo: (Defensive) I don't know! I thought maybe... I tried marijuana once.

Me: Marijuana is like the least harmful. Meth is the most addictive!

Mo: How do you do meth? Do you use the needles?

Me: Uh, I don't know, I know you can smoke it. (Attempts to mimic smoking meth) I think you can like melt the crystals on a spoon and inhale the fumes... I think?

Mo: Oh, but can you put it in your veins?

Me: I don't know, you can with heroine.

Mo: Oh, I know that. What was the popular drug when I was a kid? I think it was crack.

Me: What? Really? Cocaine was big in the 80s...

Mo: I didn't grow-up in the 80s!

Me: Maybe it was shrooms.

Mo: Do those make you hallucinate?

Me: Yeah, I think you can drink them in a tea.

Mo: (Looking at the veins in her arms) I think my veins would be good for heroine. Look how well you can see them.

Me: You can eat them too...

Mo: Do you know how to make meth?

Me: What!?

Mo: Can't you find the recipe on the internet?

Me: Yes, I guess, why would I ever look that up?

Mo: I don't know! I don't know what you do with your free time!

Me: I would never look-up how to make meth!

Mo: They must be pretty smart, huh? Those people who make meth, or stupid... How come you know so much about drugs!?

Me: I watch a lot of movies... Also, I don't know that much about drugs!

Mo: Yeah, I guess that's true

fin

What a great film this conversation will turn out to be. The prequel to Traffic, or the 3 installment of the Crash trilogy. Oh, that was about racism? Could have fooled me.

BA DA BUM BA DA BUM... DING!

Logic in Movies

Logic is such a great way to hate movies. For example, as I was talking to my mom why I hate Sweet Home Alabama, which I don't, whatever, I was discissuing how nothing makes sense. Then I thought, I also love Hot Rod for the very reasons I "hated" Sweet Home Alabama, and like a million dramatic movies. As the Pinks in True Jackson V.P. would say, "hello"! Yikes...



Anyway, logic in movies, is stupid. Logic in life is great! Social Justice, book burning, lawyers, mathemagicians. Logic in movies is dumb. If I wanted to do something that made sense I would do a sudoku, teach my baby to read, or destroy girls gone wild, all things I will do, but I don't want to watch a movie about them! Well, unless it's a documentary, then MAYBE, but not a documentary about how my 4 year old can paint better than you. I don't care about your stupid exploited millionare kid unless she's great at spelling or playing the piano which I will.



Basically, the reason why movies are so great according to me is that they take us to a world that is better than or own. People are beautiful, even the ugly ones, everyon is so smart, and things typically turn out for the best! Logic has nothing to do with any of these things. When someone argues that a movie does not make sense, you tell them that that is a point in your arena. If someone only wants to watch movies that "make sense" they shouldn't being seeing movies. They should be playing the lute or something.



In conclusion, Hot Rod, Hot Tub Time Machine, Land of the Lost, Ponyo, My Neighbor Totoro, The Shawshank Redemtion. Seriously, his name is "red" maybe because he's Irish? UNBELIEVABLE.

Nine

Spoiler Alert: There will be spoilers.








It's Xmas day! Or Christmas day when all the greatest movies of the season/year are supposed to come out. Well, my cousin and I headed out to see Sherlock Holmes to round out my review of the trailer, but it was all sold out! Yep, soo effing sad. Instead, we settled on Nine, another holiday flick about Guido Contini, a famous director circa 1960 who is going through his past and present relationships with women to figure out what his next movie, which is slated to shoot on 10days, is going to be about. Yep he has no script yet. Oh Italian Daniel Day Lewis, when will yee ever learn?

Now, I'm supposed to love this movie, I love musicals, but I guess I'm also supposed to love Glee but I haven't watched a single episode, what's my effing problem? Anyway, Nine was, uh, okay, It was decently acted, I guess, and the sets and costumes were fun but I did feel pretty bored most of the time. Oh, and if you thought the singing in Chicago was only okay, well, then you will not like Nine.

Daniel Day Lewis:
Amazing actor, great speaking voice, pretty good at accents. His Guido Contini accent wasn't that great and the singing, ugh, the singing. Let's just say it was more like Gerard Butler than Josh Groban, cool?

Penelope Cruz:
What a hottie, right? Not in this movie. Her bod is rockin' but her face looks like they covered her in dirt and then put make-up on top. Cruz's singing voice? Well, let's just say Axie and I spent more time thinking about how Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz both were with Tom Cruise than we were thinking about her singing chops.

Marion Cotillard:
Adorable. She's so beautiful, is an incredible actress, has a smokin' bod. Her voice is okay, just like everyone else's.

Nicole Kidman:
I liked her better in Moulin Rouge.

Dame Judy Dench:
I like her.

Kate Hudson:
She's super cute and well-cast as the mod sixties siren, but her character is such a throw-a-way unnecessary role.

Sophia Loren:
Still looks good. Not a singer.

Fergi:
It's really sad when Fergi is the strongest singer in your MUSICAL but it's true. The reason why Fergi's song is the only one in the preview is because her's is pretty much the only song worth listening to. Sorry, Nine, it's true. Also, she did a pretty good job overall.

In conclusion, I think a lot of the reason I didn't like Nine was because the singing was sub-par. The story was a little slow too and for a film that is full of strong female actors it's very male heavy, which is unfortunate.

Also, dear Rob Marshall, don't direct musicals anymore unless you figure out how to branch out a little. I get that you're trying to make a musical movie "believable" by making the songs all in the main character's head, but it doesn't really make sense for Maestro Contini. He's not a director of musicals or even musical movies. Also, he's not crazy and is not a club singer named Roxie. So if you're gonna do another movie musical Mr. Marshall, go ahead and respect the genre enough to take it a little more seriously. Instead of relying on big-name stars, get some decent actors WHO CAN SING, PLEASE. And maybe just make the movie a musical and understand that we're seeing the movie because it's a musical, it's not really a surprise.

In conclusion, Nine was the greatest movie of all time. If you were to ask me if you should see it, I would say, as the Germans would, nine. Do yourself a favor, just rent Victor/Victoria instead.

Sorry this was mostly serious. I really like musicals.