Chernobyl Diaries

First of all, let me just say that it took me a million years to log back into my Blogger account.  Why you ask, I knew you would, because I haven't logged in in a million years and I, for some reason, use a hotmail account instead of a gmail account with this google run blog-engine.  Also, an e-mail told me that if I didn't log into my account by May 30th I would no longer be able to edit in it or whatever.  Guess who decided the day to edit their blog, finally, would be May 31st, NO NOT YOU, IDIOT, it was/is me IDIOT.  You're such an idiot.

Anyway, back to the review...

So Chernobyl Diaries... First of all, great choice me, I mean, clearly this movie was going to be amazing.  I mean, with such star power as Jesse McCartney, he really was gettin' his "shine-on".  He really doesn't want another pretty face, he doesn't want just anyone to hold, he doesn't want his love to go to waste, he just wants you and your beautiful SOOOOOUUUULLLL.

SPOILERS -

That guy who looks babyfaced and really familiar is Jesse McCartney.  Spoiled the biggest surprise in the film.  FILM.  That's what it is.

This FILM opens on, something, a montage of collegey kids enjoying their time abroad in Chernobyl land...Russia, faking boning each other, saying the eff word a million billion times, and NO BOOBS.  Then, in the midst of laughter, BOOM Cherobyl Diaries flashes upon the screen.  Great job.

Why is this movie rated R?  Don't get me wrong, I'm super glad it's not all torture porn and junk, but there was like only half a bucket of blood and NO BOOBS.  The arr is for pirate, because they say the eff word like a gazillion times and pirates have dirty mouths, 'cus they're pirates.  Good joke me.

The acting was GREAT.  They DEFINITELY deserve oscars.  Did I mention, no boobs?

Also, listen, the camera is all shakey, like it's a POV style of film making, which I assumed was gonna be the video diary that gets discovered when they're all long and dead and then some kid is going to try and discover the mystery of the Chernobyl deaths, all Jumanji style.  NOPE.  The shakey camera was just to give you a headache and make my tummy want to vomit.  Thanks Chernobyl Liaries.  See what I did there.  I wish there was a diary.  I wish, in the midst of running away from all the unkown scary stuff, a character would stop every 5 minutes, pull out a diary with a Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat unicorn on it, and scream, "GUYS WAIT!  I GOTTA WRITE THIS ALL DOWN!"  It would have been real poignant, you know.  Like, a statement on the current state of affairs where the art of the hand-scrawled terror language being chased by "patients" which are never fully explained, is dead.  You know.  Deep, right.  That's a great idea.  DON'T STEAL MY IDEA.  Also, these patients are all bald dudes and one kid with weird curly blonde hair, which you see in the trailer. That's how much of the kid you see.  The trailer amount.

So, I guess this movie could have been scary, if it was scary and not dumb, and maybe if it had an actual diary in it.  There's a lot of scenes where one person is all "I can't go on, my friend is dead!"  and the other person is like "you have to!" and then the first person is all "okay!  I can do this!"  and then the second person is all "now, I can't go on, my brother, did I mention he's my brother?  Yeah, the other American dude, that's my brother, is dead" and the first person is all "you have to go on, we can't save ourselves if we're dead!" and the second person is all "okay!  I'll do it, even though my brother, you know I was with my brother, right, is dead!"  and them the first person is all "I can't do this anymore!"  and so on and so forth.  Good stuff.  Real poignant.  Although, it is a horror movie, so stop complaining you jerk.  Cabin in the Woods is real great though.

This movie could have easily just been called Vacation Kids: Bears, Wild Dogs, and Radiation Plus Patients, I guess it wouldn't be that easy, because then it would seem like a comedy and that's a lot of words to put on a poster, all-around, good point, me.  I feel like the Chernobyl part was unnecessary because there's no lore.  It's just a really really devastating incident in the history of Russia, the after-effects of which are just heart-wrenching (I care about people, obviously).  I get how it COULD be scary, but this whole "patient" thing, which I assume has to do with some sort of experimentation dealing with the effects of radiation on dudes and one kid, this coming from a view of a room with gurneys and some Russian dude saying patients, is just pretty insensitive.  You really nailed it Jesse McCartney, how dare you.  I own your CD.


So, if you loved the American version of Pulse, you probably won't LOVE this movie, because there is no voice over.  Also, everyone dies.  SPOILED IT!