Jennifer's Body

Certainly since Diablo Cody has an oscar for her apparently cute and adorable film Juno she must have some writing chops. I was wrong, so, so, so, very, sadly, dissappointingly, stupidly, wrong. And now I can only think about pork chops, how delicious...

Here was my rookie mistake. I believed the hype that J's B touted in their own promos. I feel sheepish to admit, but when reputable sources are used in commercials for movies I think, maybe it's going to be great! I still don't get that that's an advertising trick. As pirates would say: what a fool I be.

I don't really know what revelation to say about J's B because if you've seen the preview, you've seen the movie, absolutely no Megan Fox boobie action. And also, dear commercials/trailer she never says "Do you like my body" in the movie. Work on that.

Sadly, the acting was not the part that ruined the movie, it was the academy award-winning writing. I get that it's both fun and hilarious to use abbreviations of words to make the convo hilare, but calm it down Diabz. Instead of saying "shutties" shut-up will do. Instead of calling someone "Jell-o" or "Lime green jell-o" just say jealous.

The plot of the movie is also not good, I won't ruin it for you in case you want to poison your eyeballs and skull juice, but it's riddled with holes and not in the good mystical "just believe" way, but in the bad "this is all just too convenient" way.

Reccommendation: Don't see Diablo's Cody

But, do see Jorma, Andy, and Akiva!

Hot Rod vol. I

FYI friends, I'm probably going to review Hot Rod about once a month because I just love it that much.



Hot Rod is my favorite movie ever, I don't care who knows it, particularly not Jorma, Akiva, or Andy, the geniuses behind this cinematic gem. If you don't know who they are I'll repeat their names, even though this is a typed forum, they're that important:

Jorma Taccone

Akiva Schaffer

Andy Samberg

They're currently my three best friends. If I knew how to stalk things, like in the wild, I would stalk them as a lion stalks a gazelle. (Notice how I used both a simile and a metaphor in that sentence? I'm a GENIUS.) I will eat their brains for their knowledge and power as a zombie or some character from a T.V. show who totally stole my bit does. It will be glorious.



But instead of actually reviewing this film right now, I will leave you with a story of my COSMIC connection with Hot Rod, which is my favorite movie, did I mention that?



The other day, me and some honchos*, were sitting around a T.V. suggesting movies we should watch. I, of course, recommended Hot Rod with commentary to no avail. Then it was decided that one of us should choose two numbers. I chose 3 and 5. Third row down... fifth DVD in... you guessed it: Hot Rod.

Cosmic Connection Connected.

We didn't watch it. Jerks.

*watch Hot Rod with commentary.

Why watch movies?

All right, before I jump right in to reviewing sweet kick-ass and totally totally lame movies, let's have an honest and open discussion about why it is that I watch movies, so here goes...

I recently moved to LA, you know, the Hollywood area, where dreams are made and lives are shattered. It's very sad and, like, you know, soul-crushing, but listen, I'm not here to be an actor, party a bunch, or make it big in the biz. I go to school because my parents still let me and I thought it would be a good idea to try something new. For all of your sakes, just imagine I'm a 12-year-old college graduate. But imagine a world where you are the kind of person who doesn't like to leave your house or do stuff, so you hole up in your apartment that you share with a friend who works in Orange County, so they're never there, which is cool because they can't see all of your weird disgusting habits, but also not cool because now you actually have no reason to leave your home of miserly weirdness. Then imagine that you don't own a couch, but you do have HD cable and spend a lot of time laughing too loudly at the TV with no one in particular to things that are not that funny. And then one day you go to a thing called a movie theater in like a mall or some king of mall-type area, and it is glorious.

"So, weird girl who is covered in crusty subway wrappers and cheese, what kind of movie do you want to see?"

"Umm, I want to see a movie that doesn't reflect my real, boring, quiet life, and one that takes me to a world where only impossible things happen in a totally unbelievable way, such that I believe that they could happen to me. And, uh, I'm not that into mysteries."

There you have it. I'm a firm believer in the movie industry that flourished during the Depression Era. It's all about escapism, boo. I'm a 100-year-old 12-year-old college graduate. Also, I don't have a job. Oh, and I'm a lady. So, I got that going for me... sort of...

Okay, so, as they say, let's get this show on the road!