Pirahna 3-D: The ALL SPOILER Edition

A couple of weeks ago I saw the majestic and beautiful film Piranha 3-D. This film reminded me of Archie comics, not because of the 50s under/overtones, the checker print orange hair, sharing malts at Pop's Chocklit Shoppe, felt crown hats, dating two girls at once, not ever having sex, or people named Jughead. No. It was like Archie comics because it taught me the correct spelling of piranha. (Archie comics taught me how to spell mishap, zeal, chauvinist, amongst many others.) Well, I just lied, I had to use spell check eighty times for piranha pirahna pooroonoo.

So anyway, Piranha 3-D was alllllllll right. There were a bunch -o- actors in it that I have not seen for a while so it was nice to see them again, like a creepy stalkerish reunion where I think I am friends with them because I see them in the pictures every once in a while. Elizabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Jerry O'Connell, I haven't seen that cat since Stand By Me. Of course that's a joke... a terrible one... ZING!

The movie opens with an old man and his chubby old man fingers and the sounds of a lot of mouth-breathing. (This is how I imagine the script is written.) The old man fingers fumble in the water, oh yeah, he's on a boat, in Arizona. He uses the lake water, because he's in a lake, as a cooler, with the beers tied to the boat with a rope, like you do, well, like he does, the old man, with the fumblely fingers. Some more mouth breathing as the old man is super excited to drink some brewskies. Pan up to the old man's face, you guessed it: Frank Stallone, no wait, that was a joke reference to when Norm MacDonald was on Weekend Update, RICHARD DREYFUSS. Get it!? Because he was in Jaws!? AMAZZ-ZING! Then he'll get eated by some piranhas which will turn out to the be baby piranhas which you'll discover in the last last minute of the film! I ruined it for you! WEEEEEEE!

More importantly than Richard Dreyfuss is Paul Scheer. Who is Paul Scheer you ask? An amazing comedian. He has a bi-monthly show at the UCB in Los Angeles called Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer Present Crash Test, and he plays Donnie the head Page on 30 Rock, and most recently played Rob Corddry's broham on Children's Hospital. GENIUS. So he's coke-addict Jerry O'Connell's character's (I don't claim to anything about J.O'C's drug habits/non-habits) right-hand man. Jerry dies by, you guessed it piranha but Paul Scheer just stops existing in the film. WTF P.S. was 59% of the reason why I wanted to see the movie. I can only assume that his death scene was oscar worthy, and the producers didn't want to taint the movie by making it something more magestical than they had intended because it would drive away they're porn-loving, beer-guzzling crowd. Oh, and me, a nerd-face with 2 friends. HAM SKUNK!

Anyway, Piranha was pretty good, the 3-D is not worth it, they didn't use it hilariously and you see a piranha vomit a wiener, good times. However, the piranhas never eat anything to bare bones, which is disappointing. Also, the cgi is disappointing which makes it amazing, btw, btw, btw. BTUs.

So go see it, if you want, also, it may not be in theaters anymore. So...

Hot Rod, the proof

Maybe this doesn't count as a new blog, but bask in the proof of greatness. As we all know, opinion = proof.

It's funny pretty much all the way through, even in the final showdown between Rod and his stepdad. I have seen countless movie fights that stagger the imagination, but this one goes over the top and comes down on the other side.

Full Review | 4 Comments

08/03/07

Roger Ebert

Chicago Sun-Times

Top Critic

Mother

Just kidding, I didn't see that Korean thriller Mother directed by that dude who directed The Host (I did see The Host though, it's a pretty awesome monster flick). I did however go home for a week and some change and did have a hilarious conversation with my mother.

Some background...

My mom blacked out after one sip of wine once. Great news!

This occurred when we were watching the news and some guy high on meth drove into some bikers and killed them. Awful, terrible, so sad, but don't let this really depressing news take away from this following conversation.

Mom: Have you ever done meth?

Me: (Laughing) What? No, of course not.

Mo: (Defensive) I don't know! I thought maybe... I tried marijuana once.

Me: Marijuana is like the least harmful. Meth is the most addictive!

Mo: How do you do meth? Do you use the needles?

Me: Uh, I don't know, I know you can smoke it. (Attempts to mimic smoking meth) I think you can like melt the crystals on a spoon and inhale the fumes... I think?

Mo: Oh, but can you put it in your veins?

Me: I don't know, you can with heroine.

Mo: Oh, I know that. What was the popular drug when I was a kid? I think it was crack.

Me: What? Really? Cocaine was big in the 80s...

Mo: I didn't grow-up in the 80s!

Me: Maybe it was shrooms.

Mo: Do those make you hallucinate?

Me: Yeah, I think you can drink them in a tea.

Mo: (Looking at the veins in her arms) I think my veins would be good for heroine. Look how well you can see them.

Me: You can eat them too...

Mo: Do you know how to make meth?

Me: What!?

Mo: Can't you find the recipe on the internet?

Me: Yes, I guess, why would I ever look that up?

Mo: I don't know! I don't know what you do with your free time!

Me: I would never look-up how to make meth!

Mo: They must be pretty smart, huh? Those people who make meth, or stupid... How come you know so much about drugs!?

Me: I watch a lot of movies... Also, I don't know that much about drugs!

Mo: Yeah, I guess that's true

fin

What a great film this conversation will turn out to be. The prequel to Traffic, or the 3 installment of the Crash trilogy. Oh, that was about racism? Could have fooled me.

BA DA BUM BA DA BUM... DING!

Logic in Movies

Logic is such a great way to hate movies. For example, as I was talking to my mom why I hate Sweet Home Alabama, which I don't, whatever, I was discissuing how nothing makes sense. Then I thought, I also love Hot Rod for the very reasons I "hated" Sweet Home Alabama, and like a million dramatic movies. As the Pinks in True Jackson V.P. would say, "hello"! Yikes...



Anyway, logic in movies, is stupid. Logic in life is great! Social Justice, book burning, lawyers, mathemagicians. Logic in movies is dumb. If I wanted to do something that made sense I would do a sudoku, teach my baby to read, or destroy girls gone wild, all things I will do, but I don't want to watch a movie about them! Well, unless it's a documentary, then MAYBE, but not a documentary about how my 4 year old can paint better than you. I don't care about your stupid exploited millionare kid unless she's great at spelling or playing the piano which I will.



Basically, the reason why movies are so great according to me is that they take us to a world that is better than or own. People are beautiful, even the ugly ones, everyon is so smart, and things typically turn out for the best! Logic has nothing to do with any of these things. When someone argues that a movie does not make sense, you tell them that that is a point in your arena. If someone only wants to watch movies that "make sense" they shouldn't being seeing movies. They should be playing the lute or something.



In conclusion, Hot Rod, Hot Tub Time Machine, Land of the Lost, Ponyo, My Neighbor Totoro, The Shawshank Redemtion. Seriously, his name is "red" maybe because he's Irish? UNBELIEVABLE.